My Scar is called adoption: The lived experiences of Irish mothers who have lost a child through closed adoption : The lived experiences of Irish mothers who have lost a child through closed adoption

Previous research has continuously identified a need for a comprehensive model of working with first mothers in adoption. This gap in knowledge has hindered the development of services, to the detriment of the quality of life and well-being of this group. This study seeks to remedy this deficiency by exploring the lived experiences of Irish mothers who have lost a child through closed adoption. It aims to expand understanding of the impact of such loss, in particular exploring how it affects their journey of reconnection and reunion with their child in adulthood. Semistructured interviews were undertaken with six women from Ireland who had lost a child in this way and their narratives were analysed using Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis (IPA). Two superordinate themes emerged from the data: Motherhood concealed: the loss of autonomy and connection and Motherhood revealed: a pathway towards autonomy and reconnection. Within each superordinate theme, two subordinate ones were identified: Dehumanised, disempowered and dismissed, Coping through disconnection, Breaking the silence and Reunion and reconnection. The first two of these encapsulate the loss of personal autonomy and connectedness resulting from the loss of a child and how participants coped with it. The two others describe the participants experiences of growth in personal autonomy and agency through the process of breaking the silence of their concealed motherhood and of reconnection and reunification with their now adult children. The findings indicate that engaging in therapeutic services and or with adoption peer support enables participants to express their feelings of grief and move from coping strategies dominated by disconnection to ones marked by the autonomous processing of emotion and new coping patterns. The process of reunification with their children plays a significant role in this transition.